home sick and lost of independence

I've been working on this entry/post for a few days now. With the year approaching closer to the moment in time, when I lost everything wonderful about my life, I have found myself becoming more agitated and less patient with the progress of my well-being. Lately, being able to organize my daily tasks, (including really important things that I have been procrastinating on doing), are becoming more and more difficult, as time keeps flying by me each minute. My memory and time management are at a huge stand still; I am lucky to even make it to my appointments.

I remember when I was able to go through an eight to ten hour day at work, return home, fix food, feed the cat, workout, socialize, watch movies, volunteer for my organization, read, pay bills, take care of the usual responsibilities that randomly and routinely occur and be able to  prioritize it all with no problem.

With the extra time I have available now, I can barely get it together, and in the meanwhile, the "to do list" remains the same with new items being added to it daily. I miss my career; I miss the money; I miss the controlling aspect of it and feeling unbelievably powerful and on top of the world, (when secretly, It would freak me out each day I walked into the operations). 

The darkness of the room, would give a calm, peaceful feeling; yet, I would be sitting in the chair with my armpits sweating profusely. I would wear dark colored shirts to work, in order to hide my nervousness, while on position. What I couldn't hide, were the small beads of sweat that would lay stagnant on the bridge of my nose bone, just below the rim of my sunshades. I can handle that stressful work atmosphere again, but for how long; being put into this set-back in life has me second guessing myself. I have lost all mental confidence that gave me the guts and balls to do my job.

I miss California (with all its twisted, liberal, and fruitiness), I miss my beautiful home with the view of the mountains that would have snow caps during the warm winters. I miss the coolness (weather, feeling, and culture) of the city. I miss being alone, on my own time, in my own place; I miss being alone physically. Each night before I lay to sleep in my room, with the hole in the sky; I think about why the hell did I leave you....