then the night comes.....

Last night, I received a familiar visit form "Debbie Downer" or maybe I should call him "Danny Death" because he steals and kills my joy. Reality that is.... It still hurts to think about everything I have lost and how fucking hard it's going to be to top the amazing life I once had. (skip down to below to avoid a boring vent moment...)

What pisses me off even more, is that the one who let me down, still has no clue and thinks everything is somewhat cool and that it's okay to contact me and act like things are normal and we're friends again. Yeah right!!! I made it clear to him the other night that, I'm busy repairing my life. (This is after he sent me messages wandering if I was mad at him because I haven't responded to his "being nosey" texts for a few weeks. 

I tried to make it though today without any major upsets, but (when the night comes....I fail....

Any-who...below I posted a few pictures from today's visit to Lowes and a picture of a really sexy haircut I'm thinking about having done. Goodnight Love -cc

if only this was true....

Where I was a Year Ago October 8, 2012

On October 8, 2012, I hit my first major pit; this is where I was a year ago and still today; I am up and down, but hoping to get better small steps at a time. This is the entry I wrote in a notebook, while sitting in my home in the worst city on Earth.......




"When God is Not Enough"

When he walked away from me, I walked away from myself
He would come back; I had hope; was alive for a moment till he left again,
after he had what he wanted no more. I didn't want me either; still don't know if I want me still. It feels good not to love anymore. I woke up this morning. I didn't feel anything. Not feeling, being emotionless is healing me. I don't love. It feels good not to love. It's helping me move on. Loveless is healing. It feels so good right now to not love anyone, but to love things because things don't do anything to you, things serve a purpose and they stick to that purpose. People are unreliable, when it comes to love. I will never love. It feels good not to. And today, for the first time in months, I don't feel empty without him. 

my life missing

I'm missing my old life. This constant battle to stay positive, upbeat, hopeful, grateful, and being happy in the moment, etc, is all less than possible. All a constant struggle, when you're stuck in a place in time and you know you've had/earned better for yourself before you lost just about everything fabulous. 

It hurts to work so hard for so long and gain so much and have it taken away all in a year's time. It hurts like hell.  

yumma exp:09.30.2013

I had a big breakdown later today; it's been a while since I've had one this bad. I was driving home, from my gym flow, and my car was playing the song "No Love Allowed," by the ever so wonderful Rihanna. As I pulled into the driveway and parked my car, listening to the lyrics and thinking about how everything has been falling far apart (50%due to the breakup). I pulled myself together enough to make it into the house hoping that no one would notice my sour mood and "depression" deciding to visit after a pretty smooth day. 

He is always un-welcomed, but always ends up getting an invitation; I don't know how to fully stop him from raining on my parade. Long story short; I lay at the base of my closet and closed my eyes and tried to rest him away, but failed.



Besides my evil friend making an unexpected appearance later in the afternoon, earlier that morning, my father taught me how to install new front wheel brake pads; which was awesome because I saved a lot of cash by doing the job at home and it was easier than I thought it would be. (Thanks Daddy!)

I am also pleased that BAMA won Saturday!!!!!! Roll Tide!!!!!!!!!

Lastly, these little Starburst Candy Corns are Amazing. I am not a huge fan of candy corn, but these have passed the test of approval!!!!!! Now I not only love Starburst's (Fav Reds) Jelly Beans, but I love you too Candy Corn!!! 

I hope everyone has a good night and rest easy Love. -cc

Drowning.....

I need to stay away from aviation events. It hurts to see another thing that I love so much, smile at me dead in the face and be taken away at the same time. As much as I try to be thankful for the little things in life, it's still hard to ignore that I keep losing my love, life and well-being as time progresses. Things just keep getting worse. Things are constantly being taken away as soon as I try to gather a little piece of sanity back into my life. 

The only thing that I have control over lately, is going to the gym and feeding my dog....

Luca and possibly (working out) are the only things holding me together and they are the only things that I have some type of control over during this continuous fv@ked up downward spiral. I hope I feel better tomorrow and I hope I can try to share some of the air show pictures as well. Goodnight Love -cc

tired and overwhelmed

I am tired and overwhelmed from everything that has been going on the past year and a half. I feel like giving up; I feel so drained with dealing with my treatment and now my job. It just keeps getting worse each day; everything is more down that up, even though I try to trick myself into thinking otherwise. The problems are still there. I miss my old life; this is not where I am supposed to be......

The next three days are filled with a packed schedule; the first three will hopefully keep me somewhat distracted from reality (except for the air-show on Saturday) it still saddens me to be around aviation. I love planes  so much; I hope it turns out to be more enjoyable versus depressing for me. On Sunday, I will be attending early morning service at church and later that afternoon, there is an informational dinner for people who are interested in becoming members of their church home. 

I hope to be in higher spirits this weekend, so that I can post more pictures and happy moments that will possibly happen. Take care love and have a great weekend. -cc

not too great

The last few days haven't been too great. I received horrible news today and yesterday. I feel like the moments that I feel like I am moving up into the right directions, I only get slammed back down again. I have no idea what my life is going to be anymore. I am losing more and more each day. Life loves being a bitch most of the time. 

home sick and lost of independence

I've been working on this entry/post for a few days now. With the year approaching closer to the moment in time, when I lost everything wonderful about my life, I have found myself becoming more agitated and less patient with the progress of my well-being. Lately, being able to organize my daily tasks, (including really important things that I have been procrastinating on doing), are becoming more and more difficult, as time keeps flying by me each minute. My memory and time management are at a huge stand still; I am lucky to even make it to my appointments.

I remember when I was able to go through an eight to ten hour day at work, return home, fix food, feed the cat, workout, socialize, watch movies, volunteer for my organization, read, pay bills, take care of the usual responsibilities that randomly and routinely occur and be able to  prioritize it all with no problem.

With the extra time I have available now, I can barely get it together, and in the meanwhile, the "to do list" remains the same with new items being added to it daily. I miss my career; I miss the money; I miss the controlling aspect of it and feeling unbelievably powerful and on top of the world, (when secretly, It would freak me out each day I walked into the operations). 

The darkness of the room, would give a calm, peaceful feeling; yet, I would be sitting in the chair with my armpits sweating profusely. I would wear dark colored shirts to work, in order to hide my nervousness, while on position. What I couldn't hide, were the small beads of sweat that would lay stagnant on the bridge of my nose bone, just below the rim of my sunshades. I can handle that stressful work atmosphere again, but for how long; being put into this set-back in life has me second guessing myself. I have lost all mental confidence that gave me the guts and balls to do my job.

I miss California (with all its twisted, liberal, and fruitiness), I miss my beautiful home with the view of the mountains that would have snow caps during the warm winters. I miss the coolness (weather, feeling, and culture) of the city. I miss being alone, on my own time, in my own place; I miss being alone physically. Each night before I lay to sleep in my room, with the hole in the sky; I think about why the hell did I leave you....

gym flow and tears flow....

Today was very awkward; I woke up this morning from a gloomy night. I wasn't looking forward to my morning doctor's appointment; I had so many angry things to say to him about my last two months and how I have not been progressing fast enough. Nevertheless, a crazy women enters the office in full outrage that she was being charged for a last month "no-show" appointment. That scene in itself, made me forget about all the hateful things that were going through my mind. 

Later that morning, I decided to go to the gym again (surprise!! surprise!!) My favorite place these days. While going through my workout, I started to give up after about 40 minutes into the routine; I bumped into my personal trainer (who I will be meeting tomorrow morning for another session) and I couldn't even hold it together long enough before I began to tear up. He was lecturing me on not wanting to waste my money using his services due to the fact that my diet (80%) of a workout plan, had too many carbs and that I needed to increase my protein and fat intake in order to build more muscle. He wanted to know why I wasn't focusing on my diet strong enough.

Well, when you have to think about how your career and well being is falling apart and when you have no idea where your life is going to be in the next few months and when you're living off your savings account while on medical, and you have several bills, needs, and wants, to pay and purchase; it's pretty hard to really give a fuck about having a high protein intake in order to build more muscle. He's lucky to see me coming into the gym. When truthfully, I would probably be wasting my money there if I didn't have the training sessions; doing so is actually giving my some motivation to go to the gym, in order to get my money's worth.

Besides, tearing up in front of a man I hardly know, while standing in the middle of the weight room; my day is ending more on the positive note as compared to my negative morning and previous evening.....Depression can be a real bitch. 

missing cali

I don't normally post this late at night, but I can't sleep. I miss the San Francisco Bay Area; I love it there; I should have never transferred to the south.....

samuel 1:20

good people: sam

samuel 1:20 ESV



I didn't ask God for Sam, but I think he knew I needed him. I have known him for a few years and it just so happened that at the cusp of my depression; he was there for me like family. He was and has been here each day through this entire journey of my self-destruction and pre-death. 

He's a good person; he might actually be a true good guy, but I will never truly know deeply (because experience has taught me otherwise). The sad part is that if the events that led me to this point today had never happened, I would have never become closer friends with him and he would have never known the weaker me. He would have always been another person I knew from the agency. 

He thinks I am amazing at my worst; he enjoys me in my depressive state, which at times disgusts me, because the depressive me is not who I am. I am much more beautiful than the person who emerged from the breakup/breakdown. He adores the depressive me, because at the bottom of my slope, I opened up to him about my daily feelings of missing my old incredible life in California and the love of my life who I lost. He could identify; it had happened to him years ago.

At the end of the day, I do thank God for allowing him to be there for me, even though it should have been someone else at my side, but I guess God thought differently. He has been a good trooper and I pray that one day he meets a lady that loves him for the great friend, supporter, and hopeless romantic he can be: good people

letting go?

"Release what's holding You in the Past, so that You can receive what's prepared for You in the Future"

How do you let go, when you've experienced being with the one, you never dreamed of because you knew they never existed, but un-expectantly, that dream person came true. I encountered that dream, about two years ago. They say, when you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try to forget about it, it never goes away. The one I loved, and still love today, won't leave my mind; I keep remembering the best of times together; that keep me from remembering the worst of times together. His memory and the consequences that came along because of knowing him are affecting my life today and are holding me in a deep dark and muddy pit.

I'm having a hard time digging out of it, because I was at full contentment, my life was finally perfect and everything along with my hard work and dedication to my career, my amazing social life, and family bonds...now love.....were all being pieced together and I was never happier.

Things are far from perfection now; I have lost so much....I am afraid of the future not being as bright.....afraid of winning again....then losing. Life doesn't get better after the best, it's a continuous cycle of ups and downs and you have to embrace the ups so when the downs appear again, you are not able to cope, but you are able to think of the good to help you fight through the darkest moments.

It was a learning experience for me; that has given me some bitter wisdom, yet I would do it all again, just to embrace the moment. I have forgiven 'You". I don't regret "You"; I will always love 'You"......I can only hope to let go enough to make it to a future of happiness and contentment again.....

Lost and Found

 "If you are lost, God will find you"
Luke 19:10


I have been lost for a long time. I knew it every now and then. I would know, acknowledge and accept that fact; I would attempt to fix it, yet  I would become side tracked by life events dealing with relationships, peer pressure, society's thoughts, opinions,  expectations, materialistic things, status, money= my narcissism....

On October 8th 2012, I completely lost my fucking mind and everything else along with it. How do you lose, when you are lost? It happens; shit happens.... In the process of me falling from grace, knocked off my high black stallion, kicked off my pedestal of perfection....God gave and took all away.... 

In the event of "God finding me" while I was lost deep in the darkness that was my eternal light; God found me and took me away from all that was holding me together. This is the chronicle of my fall, I am still falling...this is my struggle of returning to life, the desire to live and be fearless, bold and strong again...to love existence.