lost and confused.....

Two of the worst things to feel in life....

Lost as to what is the next step to take, which waY to turn, what to do, what am I doing? Where am I going? 

And then to be confused as to what the f@&k was the point of taking the steps that got you further into this more f$&ked up state anyway. 

Feeling quite defeated at the moment; this always happens when I try to fix my future. I have no idea what is going to happen to me. And this feeling is depressing and heavy on my heart and mind. 

There are days that I will just stop and look up at the sky and enjoy the sight of the jets flying on final approach being sequenced in by some kick ass controller. I miss being kiss ass. 

Feeling like wasted potential and talent. I was once so f@cking amazing. 

When my dreams endure pain.....

This past Sunday morning, I had the most painful dream. I was crying, tormented, defeated, hopeless, and near death. It was the awful feelings that I experienced a little over a year ago, right after I had gone into a three month medical leave of absence from work...due to my clinical depression. 

The feeling was soreal; I didn't feel like a dream. So you could definitely imagine how relieved I felt to wake up and realize that I was still asleep. It still disturbs me because, sleeping is when I get a chance to break free from the craziness of my reality right now. It frightens me that I can lose peace and not only relive harsher moments from the past year while at rest and when I'm awake. 

one day, you'll wake up and realize....

That the one you are so damn crazy in love with, will never treat you right again. It takes longer for some; but it'll eventually fade away....the loving feeling, that is. 

And then one day, you'll begin to accept and love the people who want to be a part of your life and love you the way you deserve..... continuously and unconditionally. 

Your mind will become clearer than ever and you'll be able to see and recognize things that you did not notice that were there; you'll see things for what they are and become aware of the fact that you're not behind, missing out, or without.... the things you thought you wanted and needed. 

It's crazy for me to say it, but it is possibly true that everything happens right when it's suppose to occur; in your individual life. Love -cc

disconnected.....

Feeling tired and disconnected today/tonight. I stayed away from home the majority of the day and kept to myself. It's still early tonight; I'm going to call it a day. 

@closetoutings

@closetoutings via instagram....

Louis and Plaid...

Louis Vuitton Infini empriente pm

Chuck Taylor's converse high tops

Gilly Hicks plaid shirt 

Boom boom jeans

more like....got tired of the bullshit

Saw this quote today; I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but it's pretty much the story of my love life. 

I was really able to let go of the one I loved once I got tired.....tired of the bullshit. I didn't lose hope; I just lost the patience of dealing with the same ole b.s.  that was being handed to me continuously. It started to become very clear to me that CDS wasn't going to change and he wasn't worth the fight. 

I only wish I was able to let go sooner and I would have been able to save so much of the life I adored. 

In more positive news, this Saturday morning was very productive. I was able to chat with my best friend, and do a little cardio together on the precor machines. Then an hour and half leg weight training day, followed by stretching and a surprise Zumba session with the coolest instructor ever. 

After three hours of working out, I needed some major carbs and protein for my body. I was pretty sad to return home; I hate being there, I miss being in California in my beautiful home...anywho....I'm done blogging for tonight. Gonna watch some Netflix episode of the X-files. 

Luca says goodnight and have a great Saturday evening... He's ready to nap:) love -cc

Kept the mood high today...

Today was pretty stable; I got a new shoulder work out in at the gym today and I'm pretty proud of my progress. (Especially since I don't train my upper body as much as my lower body.

Post-workout selfies.....

Flexing baby....

Baby definition and shout out to the girl behind me with the awesome calf muscles!!!

The remainder of the night was simple; spent time with family, ate lots of protein, and began planning my next adventures to keep my spirits sky high...

Goodnight Love and have a peaceful evening.. -cc

rough night; happy sunday....

Good afternoon and happy Sunday y'all!!! Luca says let's go 49ers!!!

Cooking up some yummy venison tacos

(Photo credit for kaepernicking by google search on images) 

@closetoutings

My new favorite instagram profile that's all about throwing clothes together for fun outings anywhere!!! 

Lazy, motivated, & pissed.....

It's been about 10 days since I've posted on the blog. I'm back from visiting family during Christmas break and feeling crankier than ever. 

(I hope the above quote is true)

Anyway, I had to deactivate my Facebook account, in order to really focus on being content with my current situation, the crazy part is that when I was rich and had everything while living in California, I didn't have time to worry about Facebook and now that I'm lost, I've found myself on there every minute and finding out things that I shouldn't know about. 

In the meantime, Luca is well and continues to give me balance and I am trying to really focus on my New Years resolution; I could do better at it though. 

I am still training for my competition and will try to enjoy the slow results and journey during my light struggle. Take care Love and have a great weekend! -cc